Submitted by: Kate Fogarty, Ph.D., Assistant Professor, 4-H Youth Development
Introduction
Today’s teens face strong pressures to date as well as get involved in a serious relationship (Teenage Research Unlimited, 2006). Although most romantic relationships last less than 5 months among 12 to 14 year-olds, by age 16 relationships last an average of 2 years (Berk, 2005). In the early teen years dating is more superficial – for fun, status among peers, and exploring sexuality. In the older teen years youth are looking for intimacy, companionship, affection, and social support.
What Parents and Adults Need to Know About Teen Dating
Even when teens start dating, they are still not as close with romantic partners as they are with their same-sex friends. Also, the relationships teens have with their parents – especially the degree of support and security they feel in their relationships – influences their having warm and secure feelings about friendship. Having a secure view of friendship is positively related to teens’ security in their romantic relationships (Berk, 2005). In other words, parents influence the quality of teens’ friendships and dating relationships.
As long as dating doesn’t start too early in the adolescent years, dating is a way to learn (Berk, 2005):
- cooperation skills
- socially appropriate behavior
- interdependence
- compromise
- empathy
- intimacy
- sensitivity.
Although most adolescent romantic relationships do not last long (most teens are still forming their identities), first romances are practice for more mature bonds in adulthood. In fact, warm and caring romantic relationships in the teen years tend to lead to satisfying, committed relationships in early adulthood (Berk, 2005).
The dark side of dating in the teen years is that it can put youth at risk. Frequent dating in early adolescence is linked with adolescent risk behaviors such as school failure, drug use, and delinquency. Also, a teen’s chance of involvement in dating violence increases if he or she has experienced abusive family relationships as well as frequent, early dating and/or sexual involvement. A portion of teens face the dangers of dating violence. For example, in a representative poll of over 1,000 teens (13-18 years-old) (Teenage Research Unlimited, 2006):
- About half (49%) of 16- to 18- year-olds have been “seriously involved” in a relationship.
- 24% felt pressure to date and 14% said they would do almost anything to keep a boyfriend or girlfriend.
- 61% of teens who had been in a relationship stated they had a boyfriend/girlfriend who made them “feel bad or embarrassed” about themselves.
- 15% have been “hit, slapped, or pushed” by a boyfriend or girlfriend and 25% of those in a “serious” relationship were “hit, slapped, or pushed.”
- One-third (33%) of 16-18 year-olds said sex is “expected” of people their age who are in a relationship – about the same portion (31%) of teens who have been in a “serious” relationship agreed with this statement.
The expectation for sex in teen relationships may be partly explained by the media which socializes teens on dating and sexual behaviors (Ward & Friedman, 2006).
Ways to Discuss Dating with Teens
Parents and youth educators can use their knowledge of both the promises and pitfalls of dating in the teen years to discuss dating openly with youth. Suggestions for how to communicate with teens about dating follow.
- First and foremost, make sure you are building a loving, supportive relationship with your teen. (See “5 Ways to Show Love to Your Teen.” ) Your relationship with your teen serves as a model for the relationships she or he will have with friends and future romantic partners.
- When your teen feels loved and supported, this will open the lines of communication and trust.
- Take time to find out about your teen’s friends and schedule of daily events through conversation. This is a great way to learn about his or her peer network and what is important to your teen.
- Ask tentative, open-ended questions of your teen about potential romantic interests. Avoid, forcing the issue, though. Don’t embarrass him or her with information your teen shares in confidence.
- Be open to discussing your own relationship experiences with your teen. Share how you define a healthy versus an unhealthy relationship. If you are currently in a significant relationship, serve as a role model for healthy relationship behavior to your teen.
- Share with your teen the positives of dating later in adolescence. Let him/her know your views/values on dating with an optimistic attitude, using positive examples as needed. Avoid dwelling on the “don’ts” of dating.
- Be willing to do the work to support your teen in his or her dating relationship, unless it is one that appears to cause him or her psychological or physical harm.
- Understand that your teen’s identity as well as sexuality are still being formed and may be fragile. Avoid letting your values dictate your teen’s sexual identity. Sexual minority (gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered) youth usually face much confusion and difficulty in this time and need their parents’ support.
- Inform your teen about the rules (and consequences) you’ve set on dating and why – the appropriate age, age of partner, curfews, who they’ll be with, and contact information. Make sure to follow through with expectations and consequences.
- Ask your teen to think carefully about dating: whether he or she feels pressured to date; whether he/she knows of a teen couple who are having problems and why that may be the case; or what he/she thinks dating should be like. If possible, share what you know about the research, in a caring and casual way.
- Join your teen in watching his or her favorite television programs, particularly those that involve teens having romantic relationships. Refrain from commenting during the show and take time for discussion after the show is over. (For example ask your teen, “How might that situation really end up?, “What is healthy/unhealthy about this relationship?”, or “What overall message do you get from this episode about teen relationships?”).
Overall, it’s important to: (1) Provide a safe and secure base for your teen to communicate with you openly about his or her relationships; (2) Guide your teen with open-ended questions to think about his/her own expectations and values in relationships; and (3) Share your own wisdom about relationships with your teen.
Implications for Extension Programs
Dating in the teenage years is one of many ways to promote healthy development among teens. Programs serving youth and their families can promote a positive emphasis – or resilience perspective – on teen dating. However, the problems of dating in adolescence should not be overlooked in curricula/programming that serves teens. And, there are other ways to promote positive youth development, especially in the younger teen years.
Programs for parents of teens benefit from including teens in the program – in other words, promoting healthy parent-teen interaction. For example, a revised Florida-based curriculum, “Teening-Up with your Adolescent”: Parenting Children Ages 9-16, is useful for both parent-only and parent-teen audiences.
Parent-teen programs ideally should focus on building parent-teen bonds, fostering communication, and bolstering parental monitoring and support of teens. Developing these parent-teen relationship assets help teens to build healthy relationships outside the family unit (Search Institute, 2006).
The relationship between parents or a parent and a romantic partner also sets an example for teens. Family programming should focus on strengthening relationships between parents and between parents and teens. Moreover, parents can be encouraged and motivated to set an example of healthy adult relationships with their teens.
Conclusion
Dating in adolescence poses both promises and problems. Understanding the pros and cons of dating can help parents in their communication with teens. Strengthening family communication is an important goal of curricula and programming that serves youth and families in Extension.
Additional References
Berk, L. E. (2005). Infants, children, and adolescents (5th Ed.). Boston: Allyn & Bacon.
Search Institute (2006). 40 Developmental AssetsTM For Teens Minneapolis, MN: Search InstituteSM http://www.search-institute.org/assets/40Assets.pdf. Accessed on March 24, 2006.
Teenage Research Unlimited (2006). Teen Relationship Abuse Survey. Northbrook, IL: Liz Claiborne Inc.
Ward, M.L., & Friedman, K. (2006). Using TV as a Guide: Associations Between Television Viewing and Adolescents’ Sexual Attitudes and Behavior. Journal of Research on Adolescence, 16, 133-156.
